Tag Archives: Humour

The value of opinions

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“Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world.” (Bill Bullard, quoted by Rev. Dr. Stephanie Dowrick, in the Sydney Morning Herald of 5 Feb. 2018)

Bah! Balderdash and poppycock! What about human rights, especially individual rights, the pillar on which teeters the whole of Western civilisation? Do we not live in a democracy? Do I not have the right to dislike a person – and for no reason other than the fact that I do not like that person – and to express it? Will I not suffer were I to be denied the right to express my feelings publicly?

Yes, yes, yes! I am adequately aware that my suffering may be ameliorated by pharmaceutical condiments available from psychiatrists and the like. But, that is suppression. My opinion shall not be fettered. I am sure there a UN Convention which endorses my right to express my opinion.

Anyway, who would want to live in another’s world? There may be dragons there!

(Thank you Bill and Stephanie)

 

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Humorous quotations – Medicine

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There could never be any public agreement among doctors if they did not agree to agree on the main point of the doctor being always in the right. (George Bernard Shaw)

The desire to take medicine is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals. (William Osler)

He said my bronchial tubes were entrancing,
My epiglottis filled him with glee,
He simply loved my larynx
And went wild about my pharynx,
But he never said he loved me. (Cole Porter)

Politically incorrect British humour

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Muslims have gone on the rampage in Birmingham killing anyone who’s English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
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Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great!
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Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque…They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
(Dear, oh, dear!)

British Humour? (1)

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British humour as it used to be, absolutely politically incorrect:

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running.

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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

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Riots in Birmingham last month caused over 1 million worth of improvements

Business Quotations – Advertising

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Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it. (Stephen leacock)

I think I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I’ll never see a tree at all. (Ogden Nash)

Blurbs that appear on the back cover and in the advertisements recommending the book in glowing terms … are written by friends of the author who haven’t read the book but owe the poor guy a favour. (Art Buchwald)

Business Quotations – Bureaucracy

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A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer (Dean Acheson, politician)

I think we have more machinery of government than is necessary, too many parasites living on the labor of the industrious. (Thomas Jefferson, US President)

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status. (Dr. L.J. Peter, Canadian educator)

(Source: The Chambers Book of Business Quotations)

More humorous quotations – Sex

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Sex is something I really don’t understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then break them right away.
(J.D. Salinger ‘The catcher in the rye’)

Nobody here (in England) talks about anything at all except buggary; it’s too extraordinary. Half the public wants it officially recognised and the other half wants burning alive, quartering, etc. etc. to be restored as the normal penalty.
(Nancy Mitford, letter)

Gomer Owen who kissed her once by the pig-sty when she wasn’t looking and never kissed her again although she was looking all the time.
(Dylan Thomas ‘Under Milk Wood’)

 

Directions

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A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It’s on the left.”
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mummy come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven”
The little boy replied with a chuckle; “You must be crazy. You can’t even find the Post Office.”

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Virus-free. http://www.avast.com

 

 

Losing weight

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There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.

Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!” The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

(From laughfactory)