Category Archives: Humour

Extracts from ‘Grounded,’ a short, short story from ‘Pithy Perspectives,’ my book of bicultural fiction

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“It is not fair” said Abdul, “not fair at all.”

“What is?” responded Falconio.

“I repeat, it is simply not fair” replied Abdul.

“What?”

 

“That I cannot take off into yonder space.”

“Excuse me, I have heard of the stratosphere.  But where the hell is yonder space?”

“Let me explain, Bird-brain, that yonder space is up there.”

“In that case,” said Falconio waxing eloquent, “why don’t you say ‘up there’?  In fact, up anywhere will do, as long as it is off the ground, right?”

 

“How is it that you are so pedantic?”

“Ah, is that like being pedestrian or pederastic or … … um, my alter-ego seems to be running out of puff.”

“Listen, I don’t want any religious mumbo-jumbo like altars and altar boys intruding into my thoughts.”

 

“What! Are you a priest now?  I was referring only to my subconscious self, my inner spirit who guides and drives me….”

“Wait a minute! You make as much sense as an egg burnt onto a hot plate. You are not offering me any food for thought.”

 

“Well, Falconia says….”

“Who on Earth is Falconia?”

“My inner self.”

……………………

Then said Falconio, with bitterness in his voice, “You seek to deny your nature by breaking out of your Earthbound cocoon. Yet, you deny my nature by denying me freedom and the right to view my surroundings in all its beauty. Take the hood off my head and unchain me. Am I in Guantanamo?”

………………………..

“What ho, Cocko!” said the Djinn to Abdul. Turning to Falconio the falcon, the Djinn added “Beg pardon, my feathered friends, for treating you as subsidiaries. But it is Ab here who has a problem.”

 

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“The boat people” – extracts

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This is the first short, story from ‘Pithy Perspectives,’ a bicultural series of wacky, or weird, or uplifting or intriguing or imaginative thought-bubbles of mine.

“Go and ask that miserable-looking Asiatic who calls himself captain. Tell him that we need at least two porters.”

“Yes, dear.”

A little later, quite a little later, Rueben returns, looking mystified. “There’s no one in the uniform of a ship’s officer to be seen” he tells Miriam.

“Nonsense,” responds Miriam. “Look more carefully below deck. The officers are probably hiding in their cabins.”

“Why would they do that, dear?”

“Because that’s what these Asiatics are like. They are not comfortable in the presence of white people, are they?”

…………………………….

At the Customs barrier, he sees a bearded Sikh, resplendent in a most colorful turban, talking to a black man, as colleagues might. Approaching the latter, Rueben calls out “You! Come and give us a hand with our luggage. I will pay you well.”

“Pardon?” responds the black man, with the accent of a native of north England.

“I need a hand, man. Let’s go.”

“Excuse me, sir, I am the Immigration Officer on duty here.”

……………………………..

I need to examine your entry papers most carefully. We do not want any more illegal entrants,” says the public servant silkily, with suave satisfaction.

“And I will need to examine the contents of your luggage equally carefully,” interjects the Customs Officer, looking as bland as only an Oriental can, but with a broad Scottish accent. He is careful not to smile, although his turban seems to tremble slightly.

………………………………

Shocked out of her mind at seeing a white man, particularly her husband, doing the work of coolies, Miriam decides that she would compensate for the more brutish life of the future by buying a yacht, as her former compatriots now resident in coastal Sydney had done.

She is not to know that these new arrivals have already been described as the second-wave boat people. Where the first wave had arrived illegally by boat from East Asia in order to escape a ‘red’ regime, the second wave arrived legally to escape a ‘black’ regime, and promptly bought a boat.

 

 

 

 

Dark humour

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Dark humour

(From ‘The Conversation’: The death of President Trump)

President Donald J. Trump is on his first state visit to Israel, where red tie around his neck he travels to Jerusalem, to open the brand new United States Embassy. There without warning he suffers a massive heart attack. Medical people spoke of acute coronary thrombosis and myocardial infarction. But truth was the Leader was dead.

As the news broke, pandemonium spread through the country, all the way back to Washington. Waiting for instructions, federal agents nervously guarded the body. Eager local Zionists called for the Great Leader Son of Israel to be buried on local soil. An enterprising local undertaker quickly came forward with a funeral plan. “I can arrange everything”, he said. “Best casket, beautiful flowers. Fast service. Reasonable price.” Behind the scenes, United States officials were unpersuaded. “We can’t risk it”, said one, off the record. “Two thousand years ago, another big guy died here. Three days later, he was back on his feet again.”

Clever black humour

Sufi jokes (2)

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Sufi jokes (2)

(From Syed Ali Abbas Zaidi’s blog)

When I was in the desert,” said Nasruddin one day, “I caused an entire tribe of horrible and bloodthirsty  Bedouins to run.” “However did you do it?” “Easy. I just ran, and they ran after me.”

Once, when Mullah Nasruddin was visiting a Western town, he was invited to attend a fashion show. He went, and afterwards he was asked how he liked it. “It’s a complete swindle!” he exclaimed indignantly. “Whatever do you mean?” he was asked. “They show you the women – and then try to sell you the clothes!”

One day, one of Mullah Nasruddin’s friend came over and wanted to borrow his donkey for a day or two. Mullah, knowing his friend, was not kindly inclined to the request, and came up with the excuse that someone had already borrowed his donkey. Just as Mullah uttered these words, his donkey started braying in his backyard. Hearing the sound, his friend gave him an accusing look, to which Mullah replied: “I refuse to have any further dealings with you since you take a donkey’s word over  mine.”
A certain man claimed to be God and was brought before the Caliph, who said to him, “Last year someone here claimed to be a prophet and he was put to death!” The man replied, “It was well that you did so, for I did not send him.” (9th century joke)

 

(“An aeronautical engineer by force, an activist by mind, a wanderer by soul and lover by heart. Founder – Pakistan Youth Alliance”)

Religious jokes (2)

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Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria’s funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, “At last, they’re finally together.” Her sister sitting in the front row said, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?” The priest replied, “I mean her legs.”

 

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Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”

 

Funny political one-liners

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My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

I don’t approve of political jokes…I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

 

(From the Internet – ‘One line fun’)

Funny one-liners

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How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

 

(From the Internet: ‘Funny puns one-liners’)

 

Presidential truths

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If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for 
a month.

Theodore Roosevelt

Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my 
economists say, “On the one hand …
on the other.”

Harry Truman

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.

—Ronald Reagan

Being president is like 
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.

Bill Clinton

 

 

Notable never-isms

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  • Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
  • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
  • Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry
  • Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
  • Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
  • Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 
Crisp

(From the Internet)