Did you hear about the psychiatrist who gave his son a set of mental blocks for Christmas?
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are anxious just press numbers at random.
If you are manic-depressive it doesn’t matter which numbers you press. No one will answer.
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you have a phobia don’t press anything.
If you are paranoid-delusional we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we will trace the call.
If you are anal retentive please hold.
The secretary walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says “There’s a patient in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims he’s invisible.” The psychiatrist replies “Tell him I can’t see him.”
Man sees a therapist and says “Doctor, I’m suicidal. What should I do?” The doctor responds “Pay in advance.”
Patient: Doctor, no one believes a word I say.
Psychiatrist: Tell me truth now. What’s your real problem?
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under a lot of stress and I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: OK. Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did! Didn’t I!? You stupid fool!!!